muscle and sinew and bone
by jimjams1
Summary: Gai gets raped. Eventual Kakagai.
1. Chapter 1

_He_

Now that he's on the ground, motionless, the monster has changed. He looks like a human being, breathing raggedly, covered in the blood of your men. All those dreams you had of conquering this nation – of conquering the world – he crushed them beneath his burning fists and feet as he descended from the sky like some vengeful god. You were supposed to rule them all, now you only rule over the dead.

How can someone like this exist?

You move slowly with heavy, sluggish footsteps. Still in a haze of disbelief. This battle should have been yours. It shouldn't have been like this, blue fire blazing on the horizon and then it _… him._

When you heard there were Konoha shinobi in the area, you weren't worried. You knew they wouldn't get involved. That cowardly village only ever sent their pathetic four man squads to take care of the civilians, to deliver food and water for those wretched farmers that lived in your country. The Konoha shinobi weren't for hire, not for greedy tyrants, or so you were told by that sneering big-bosomed blonde bitch calling herself the Hokage.

You take the last few steps over the muddy, blood-soaked ground, the earth sucking at your feet every time you lift your legs. Trying to suck you right into hell, you think. But then he's in front of you, facedown, brown with mud and blood. Green catching your eye, flecks of it. The last wisps of blue smoke rise off him like the souls of the dead. They're distorted and carried away by the breeze, never to return again.

His strength, whatever it was, is gone. That inhuman power has vanished into thin air. What's left is a man, inert and quiet except for ragged breathing. A man. A single man.

It was your mistake. You commanded your troops, you gave the order to wipe out that pesky pack of Konoha dogs, just because you could, to teach her a lesson for turning you down, for wrinkling her nose at you in disgust. _Tyrant._

She thought she was better than you, that they were all better than you. And he, the one in front of him now, he probably thinks the same. Better than you, stronger, more powerful.

You draw your sword, gleaming steel without so much as a drop of blood on it yet because your men kept you away from the actual battle, protected you with their lives, and you grab the man by the scruff of his neck and start cutting. He groans but nothing more. There's no fighting now; his body is as limp as the old meat they used to sell on market day in your by now long destroyed home village.

You should kill him, you know that, but you don't. You slice the fabric at his back and then you rip it with your hands, rip it all off until he is lying naked in the dirt and he really is just a man. All muscle and sinew and bone but still just a man and for a second you can't think of what to do next. Except you know, low in your gut, what it is you have to do, what you need.

You know that it would be wrong for him to die because then he would never understand, he would simply cease to exist and that would be terrible. What he needs to understand, what only you can teach him, is that he is not better than you, that he is _yours._ Yours to possess, yours to use, to do with as you please, and, thinking that, you feel a hot thrill running down your spine. A jolt of liquid lightning embedding itself below your abdomen.

You bend down; you touch him. Your hands run down his back and he groans in discomfort. He's not quite there, barely conscious, mostly unconscious, his eyelids flickering under thick eyebrows. He's a strange, ugly creature, even his face is all bone, high cheekbones, prominent brow, wide jaw. Nothing like the plump girls your men would bring you.

It doesn't matter. He's yours now. And whatever happens, he will remember you forever. You'll make him remember.

(His body is as hot as a furnace, so hot that it hurts. Blood makes for bad lubricant, even if there is a lot. You push hard, as hard as you can and his scream feels like a reward. His eyes are open now, his fingers clawing at the dirt. They leave deep grooves, as he struggles to find purchase in the soft mud. There's no point, no strength left in the body beneath you. So you push into him again and again and he doesn't fight. His eyes are wet and blank and when his jaw unclenches and goes slack, it's like another offering to you.)


	2. Chapter 2

_Sarutobi Asuma_

Asuma runs toward that distant blue glow, cursing. Cursing himself for his damned smoking which is no doubt at least partly to blame for the tightness in his chest right now – never mind that Genma, who hasn't put a cigarette between his lips in years, and Ebisu, who never smoked to begin with, goody-two shoes that he is, are still behind him – and cursing Gai, who can't help but take every order as some kind of twisted challenge.

It was Asuma though, who gave the order, "take out as many as you can", because he is squad leader on this mission; it's his job to make the tough decisions.

But they were attacked, he reminds himself, so what choice did he have? Their actual mission might have been to evacuate the civilians living in the small coast village that had the misfortune to be in the way of one megalomaniac and his army, but when said army made a move against them…

Konoha was supposed to be neutral – no one paid them to take sides; their village was too far away to be involved – one two day long unpleasant boat trip Asuma spent dozing in a hammock so he didn't have to listen to Gai puke his guts out – however, Tsunade-sama cared about shit like civilians being slaughtered for no real reason, which was why she had them intervene. Needless to say, they were not supposed to fight the troops.

 _Those bastards shouldn't have messed with us…_ Thoughts like that are no help to Asuma but they do make him feel a little better. Vindicated.

 _This is what you get._

With one chakra blade he slices through a guy coming at him from the left, with the other he blocks a sword striking from the right. Wind chakra swirls and the blade falls past Asuma into the dirt. His mouth hanging open in shock, the man stares at the hilt in his hands. Asuma brings his blood-splattered left blade around and cuts him down before he has time to comprehend what is happening.

About a hundred men, not really something you can even call an army, but a ridiculous amount of enemies to take on for four guys, even if they happen to be Konoha jōnin.

 _We should have tried to run._

But that would have meant giving up on the civilians, innocent men, women and children, who wouldn't have stood a chance. And after all those years, after a million petty arguments, stomped feet and sullen silences, Sarutobi Asuma has reached a point where he doesn't want to deny that he is his father's son any more. And as such, as Sarutobi Hiruzen's son, he cannot stand the idea of leaving anyone to die, even if it means sacrificing his own life.

Which doesn't look like he'll have to do today, thanks to that green nutcase. Gai has singlehandedly taken out two thirds of their enemies. The few stragglers Gai left seem more interested in running away than attacking.

"Don't chase after them if they're making a run for it!" Asuma calls over his shoulder. He hears a disgusted "tch" from Genma. Ebisu doesn't reply; he's farther back.

Asuma breaks through the underbrush. A bad feeling sits festering in the pit of his stomach. It's gone too quiet. The blue has faded.

 _Fucking Gai,_ he thinks with more trepidation than anger, _you better not be in trouble._

Worry always makes his fingers twitch, makes him want to reach for the pack of cigarettes in the right pocket of his vest. Used to be in the left because it was quicker to reach across his chest than to fumble around too close to his own elbow, but these days he carries a picture of his girlfriend over his heart.

"Makes me guard my chest more," he told Kurenai, "because I couldn't bear it if a kunai ripped through your beautiful face."

She didn't laugh at the joke.

He snaps back to the here and now, to the strange sounds coming from up ahead. Gai's direction.

Panting and moaning, then a scream – Gai's voice and not Gai's voice, a shredded version of it and Asuma starts running even faster despite the way his own breath rasps and rattles in his chest. He bursts through the foliage, thorns and branches snagging at his clothes and hair and finds himself in a nonsensical scene.

Bodies on the ground. Mud his sandals sink into. Blood and gore and in the midst of all this a man lying on top of something, his hips moving frantically, thrusting with furious violence.

Asuma doesn't get it. All the pieces are there, the noises, the strange sight before his eyes, but nothing adds up. The bare legs sticking out, twitching, bloody legs, black small black hairs growing on them and a scrap of orange fabric—

His stomach turns, bile rising in his throat—

He doesn't even know why—

Asuma leaps forward and tears the man off—

Off his victim lying naked and bleeding in the dirt.

Without thinking – his mind is completely blank like a sheet of paper, untouched, pristine – he turns the man around, brings up his chakra blade and slides it under his ribs in the old familiar upwards movement. He doesn't even register his face, merely steps away from the mess gushing out and drops the body on the ground.

The other one in front of him—

There's a gasp behind him, followed by an exclamation, _"Gai?!"_

And suddenly the pieces all slide into place and Asuma wakes up to the horror of his reality, of what has happened.

Here and now.


	3. Chapter 3

_Shiranui Genma_

What Genma sees is Gai naked face down on the ground, blood running in streamlets down his legs. He sees that and he sees Asuma kneeling down next to Gai and he hears the rustle of leaves behind him as Ebisu steps out of the forest.

His eyes are glued to the backs of Gai's thighs. The blood. It's thin and watery, has a kind of pinkish color. The backs of his knees, then up the thighs once more.

 _Don't look,_ it's like a voice in his head, warning him. _Don't look; you don't want to see this. If you look at this now, you'll never forget._

Genma looks.

* * *

He never would have said he was the weakest one of the three, because he never would have thought he was – surely, not as long as Ebisu was there. But for some reason he is the one, the only one crouching in the bushes throwing up thin, yellow slime that might in, another life, have been the scrambled eggs he had for breakfast.

Maybe it's just the smell – although that's bullshit and he knows it. He's smelled worse during the war when he was still a little brat, seen worse too he tries to tell himself, but there's the voice again, rebuffing him.

 _Nope, not worse than this. Maybe just as bad, but definitely not worse._

In the background: crows cawing and Ebisu and Asuma talking to each other in low voices. All communication condensed into single syllables, punctuated by the crows.

 _Here._

 _Don't._

 _Wait._

 _Gai?_

 _Hey?_

 _Fuck..._

That _fuck_ is Asuma's and Genma takes it as his cue to get his shit together. He straightens using a tree to brace himself and stares down looking for—his senbon. It's right in the middle of a yellowish puddle so there's no way he'll pick it up. Sighing, Genma steps out of the underbrush.

"I'll build a stretcher. Anything else I can do?" He tries for casual and misses by a mile.

Asuma and Ebisu look up at him. They both have haunted eyes; even through Ebisu's sunglasses Genma can see his thousand yard stare.

"No…" Asuma says. "We need to get him out of here. So that stretcher—I'll help you."

He probably just wants an excuse to get away from Gai. Not that Genma can blame him, glass houses and all that. He risks a glance at Gai. He's on his back now, which might not be the best idea. Asuma and Ebisu must have rolled him over. An open med kit is lying next to him and a small emergency blanket is draped over his crotch. The sight makes Genma want to laugh. Once everyone has seen your bleeding, cum-smeared asshole there's no saving your dignity anymore, he almost says, but bites his tongue and very nearly chokes on the words. His eyes burn.

 _Fuck._

 _At least he's unconscious,_ Genma thinks. Gai's face is slack, eyelids twitching, breath quick and shallow. Everything about the way he looks spells fever to Genma, the thought immediately followed by another: infection.

Gai could die from this. He could actually die from this. And how horrible would that be? Gai dying from _this_? It's an unbearable and therefore unthinkable thought. Genma exiles it to the very back of his mind. There are things he has to do. He gives Asuma a sort of helpless look and together they head into the forest, searching for materials.

* * *

They end up taking Gai to the village they were supposed to evacuate. Now that the threat is gone, the villagers are more than grateful, if not exactly helpful. They have one doctor and two nurses as well as a somewhat creepy old lady they refer to as their respected elder. The doctor and his nurses clean up Gai, while the respected elder lights incense and mumbles strange prayers. At some point Genma feels tempted to observe that the only way the incense might do some good was if they blew it up Gai's ass. He clamps his mouth shut and swallows the hysterical laughter building in his chest. His nerves are so frayed, he feels like he's on the edge. Dangerously close to snapping.

It's only a couple of hours until they can get on the boat back to the Fire Country, back to Konoha, for which Genma is ridiculously grateful. In the end, the doctor doesn't do much apart from cleaning the wound – "The wound?", thinks Genma in horrified wonder – as best as possible, his words, and tell them "no solid food, under no circumstances", which is pretty much a given anyway.

Asuma pens a message to Konoha, no doubt asking for a team of medics to meet them at the pier, and tosses the bird up into the clear blue sky where from his open hands it seems to explode into a flurry of motion, flapping its wings wildly and quickly vanishing into the distance until all Genma can see is tiny black dot that with another blink of his eyes disappears.


	4. Chapter 4

_Ebisu_

He had always liked boat trips, ever since he was a small child and his father took him out to sea, sailing, just the two of them. Ebisu liked the sea, the smell of salt in the air, the sound and feel of the waves rocking the boat ever so gently; it felt to him like being cradled in the loving arms of a parent.

All that soured a little when he was put on a genin squad with Maito Gai, who ruined every boat ride with his obnoxious seasickness. Nothing can break the mood like projectile vomiting.

He'd never thought he'd ever say this, but right now he misses Gai's seasickness. No matter how bad it got, it was always better than this.

 _This_ is stillness, _this_ is Gai on the stretcher, wrapped in blankets, unconscious. Gai is not supposed to be this quiet. For all the times Ebisu has told him to shut up and sit still, he never wanted this. Gai is the kind of person who should always be loud and brash and kind of annoying.

Ebisu sits down next to Gai. He is exhausted, his mind still wrapped up in what happened. What happened? As if there even was an answer to this question. He swallows and picks up the bowl of tea he has prepared. The brew was given to them by the strange old lady in Kumamono village; it smells like old wet moss and Ebisu has little faith that it'll do much good, but doing something is better than doing nothing. It has to be.

He dips a sponge into the dark liquid and gently touches it to Gai's lips.

"Gai-kun," he murmurs, "drink."

Gai groans and tries to twist his head away.

"Don't—"

Exasperation has always come quickly to him. It was one thing his father criticized him for. _Patience, Ebisu, if you're going to be a teacher, you need patience._

"Gai..." He tries again, stroking the back of Gai's head as he presses the sponge to his lips, and Gai's eyelids flutter. This time, he doesn't fight back.

"That's better," he sighs and relaxes a little.

 _Just do what needs to be done, one thing at a time, follow procedure. We can't change what happened, but we can deal with it the right way._

They have to get Gai back to the Land of Fire; they have to make sure he survives until then. That is how you deal with an injured squad member. Ebisu has been in this situation several times by now; this isn't any different.

Except that it is.

Ebisu looks over at Asuma who is sitting in a corner, smoking. He's been doing that since they boarded the ship, lighting one cigarette after another, never taking a break or moving from his spot. Genma on the other hand is constantly pacing back and forth, up and down. He goes up on deck, then comes down again minutes later, his footstep heavy on the wooden stairs.

They way they're acting reminds Ebisu of the very few times he had to return from a mission with less members than he started with. But Gai isn't dead and he won't die.

It's a matter of professional pride at this point.

Ebisu has done nothing wrong; he doesn't blame himself for what happened. And he's going to keep doing everything right.

Still, it hurts to look at Gai. It's not even like they were ever really friends, but seeing him like this…

Unconscious, a film of sweat giving his face a sallow glow. When they first found him, he stank of blood and excrement, but now he merely smells like sickness and decay. He hasn't said a word, thankfully, doesn't seem to understand what's happening to him. The few times he did open his eyes, they were glazed with fever, unseeing. Sometimes Gai's lips move, sometimes he shivers, but there's been no sign of improvement.

Ebisu stays by his side because that seems like the right thing to do. He keeps an eye on Gai's breathing, his pulse, dabs the sweat off his brow and tries to make him swallow drops of tea.

He contemplates writing the mission report for Asuma, who hasn't shown any sign of planning to fulfill this task despite being squad leader. It would give him something to do, he thinks, and since it has to be done anyway…

He's not sure what he should write, though. "In the line of duty, Maito Gai has suffered injuries leaving him—"

Ebisu looks down at Gai's face. How to describe the state he's in? Unconscious, feverish, sick? And how to describe his injuries? Ebisu doesn't want to lift the blanket to take another look. Not that he would see anything now, since the doctor and his staff have wrapped Gai's lower parts in so many bandages, it looks like he's wearing a diaper.

Gai makes a small, wounded sound, bringing Ebisu back to the problem at hand. Gai. Right.

"Hey," he says helplessly, brushing a hand across Gai's damp forehead. "It's okay."

Gai mumbles something garbled, unintelligible.

"It's okay," Ebisu repeats and reaches for the sponge. Maybe Gai is thirsty, maybe the tea will help.

"Ka..Kashi," says Gai, his glassy eyes open and staring at Ebisu.

It's going to be a long trip.


	5. Chapter 5

_Tsunade_

She's just left the office when they bring her the message. Hand still on the doorknob, she stops in her tracks. Kotetsu is coming up the stairs, out of breath and shouting, "A bird arrived, Tsunade-sama!"

It's never good news, so she sighs, bracing herself for trouble. Silently, Shizune appears at her elbow, getting ready to read over her shoulder. She snatches the piece of paper out of Kotetsu's hands and skims over the few sentences, messy characters scrawled in a hurry.

 _010252 severly injured._

 _Need medics at pier. Arrival two days from now._

 _-A._

 _Don't send Ino or Sakura_

"Don't send Ino or Sakura?" Shizune asks softly. As Tsunade meets her questioning gaze, something inside her tightens, worry clawing at her nerves. Damn it, she hates the way she's come to care about them, all of them. It was so much easier when she was just a travelling gambler, a wandering drunk, and Konoha a distant memory.

"010252?" She's been in office for six months, but she still can't keep their numbers straight.

"It's Gai-senpai…" Shizune says.

Tsunade nods, steeling herself. A Hokage has to be compassionate but never soft. "Probably a genital injury."

"Genital injury?!" squeaks Kotetsu. He pulls a face, instinctively covering his crotch with his hands as if someone was waving a blade in front of him right now.

Tsunade glares at him. "The men are probably just being squeamish."

 _Gai… Blood type B positive, no allergies._ She may not know their registration numbers but their medical data is always at the back of her mind, ready whenever she needs it.

Tsunade chews on her lip.

Asuma's note troubles her. That stupid last sentence. Who does he think her girls are? Ino and Sakura may be young and inexperienced but she's training them well. One of the first things they learned: you're medics; you're dealing with the human body – all of its parts. I won't have you blushing and giggling while you're on duty. You can't avert your eyes; you'll touch whatever you have to touch.

Male sensei are like that sometimes, they become all fatherly and think their little kunoichi must be spared from seeing something as dirty as a penis.

It's ridiculous and it almost makes her want to send Ino and Sakura out of spite, but Tsunade isn't that childish; she can't afford to be, and a good medic should also consider the feelings of their patients.

Besides, from what she knows about Sarutobi Asuma – and it's not that much since he was just a boy when she left – he's not an unreasonable man, not someone to make a big deal out of nothing.

And if he's anything like his father—

The thought just brings back her worry, tenfold.

 _Dammit, I should never have taken your job, sensei. How did you do it?_

"Shizune, take Hazuki, Kanata and Sū and go to the pier. You'll need blood type B positive, take a lot – most of it is his anyway…" She remembers the blood drive, one of the first things she did after becoming Hokage, issuing a call for blood donations and Gai lining up every day to donate. After a certain point, when it became clear that he had some kind of bet going with the Hatake brat who only ever seemed to show up to steal the free cookies and orange juice, Tsunade herself had to intervene.

 _Idiot,_ she thinks, surprised by the fondness she feels and the flutter of fear it triggers in her.

* * *

She buries herself in work after that, not-waiting to hear from Shizune. The trip to the pier takes half a day, then it should be another until the ship comes in and twelve more hours to get back to Konoha, not that Tsunade is doing the math.

 _I should be drinking,_ she thinks, _now that Shizune isn't here to hold me back._

But for some reason she'd rather be sitting in her stuffy office, doing paperwork or heading to the hospital to check on patients.

Time drags its feet, it hangs motionless around her as she puts her stamp on paper after paper; it coagulates among the dust bunnies under her bed as she lies awake, staring at the ceiling.

And then, after an eternity, she is called to the hospital; Shizune's squad has returned.

* * *

It wouldn't have been an uncommon story; it wouldn't have been something Tsunade hasn't had to deal with before, if it weren't for the fact that a man was the victim. Maito Gai, a twenty-nine year old jōnin.

An hour after she has been called to the hospital Tsunade is sitting by the side of Maito Gai's bed. She has given him a quick examination to make sure that everything that can be done has in fact been done, a formality because she sent Shizune, who in the many years Tsunade has known her has never once overlooked anything.

Gai has two broken ribs, a sprained wrist, bruises and lacerations all over his body. Then there's the anal tearing, so severe that he needed surgery. The wound was infected as well, which lead to his high fever.

Now he's stitched up and sedated, in relatively stable condition.

Still her heart is heavy, as it always is in these cases.

"Get everyone who was involved in this to my office asap," she says to Shizune, "and tell the nurses to call me as soon as he wakes up."

She'll need to make sure this doesn't become the talk of the village. No one can know about what happened to Gai – it could be the end of his career.

Not to mention his life.


	6. Chapter 6

_Shiranui Genma_

It's not a conscious decision Genma made or anything – not a tradition either. In fact, it's been a while since he last did this, but tonight he does happen to go to the memorial and isn't even surprised when Ebisu is already there, staring blankly at the mute stone.

Genma doesn't say anything. It feels like everything's been said during the impromptu meeting at the Hokage's office when they were crowded into the room with Tsunade-sama, Asuma, Shizune, her team of medics and a couple of nurses.

Stiff-faced, Ebisu handed in the report he'd written during their journey and Tsunade-sama let out a sigh that sounded as if it had been held in for a thousand years. Then she told them what she wanted from them.

Silence. Not a word.

 _Gai is in stable condition. He'll make a full recovery, physically. However, he's off the mission roster for the foreseeable future. If anyone should ask, you'll say that he's at the hospital, that he was injured during the mission. As I said, he's stable. That is all the information you're allowed to share. Any further details regarding this mission are classified. You are not to talk about what happened to him, the nature of his injuries or any other details. If I hear any rumors, I will hold all of you responsible. Understood?_

Ebisu is glancing at him out of the corner of his eye. When Genma catches his gaze, he inclines his head in acknowledgement. For a little while they just stand there, side by side, their eyes trained on the same name on the stone.

"Thinking about sensei?" Genma asks finally. Of course he already knows the answer. She's been on his mind ever since he grabbed Gai's ankles to help Asuma lift him onto their stretcher.

"Hm. I felt like paying my respects."

"Yeah, me too." He sighs. "Kinda feels like I owe her an apology."

"You haven't done anything wrong," Ebisu says firmly.

"Neither have you, but you're still here, aren't you?"

That gives Ebisu pause. "It's not—I don't feel guilty." He sounds a little too defensive for it to be completely true.

"What _do_ you feel, Ebisu? 'Cause I'm not really sure anymore."

"…"

* * *

 _"Do you have siblings?"_

 _"Nope."_

 _"Well, you do now. Those two losers? From now on you're gonna think of them as your little brothers, got it? You're the oldest, so when I'm not around, you're in charge. Gai's a hyperactive idiot and Ebisu's an insufferable know-it-all, so you're the one, Genma, I'm counting on you."_

* * *

 _I'm sorry, sensei._

* * *

 _Shizune_

She keeps coming back to his room. Tsunade-sama told her to go get some rest – she's been on her feet for days, ever since they got Asuma's message – but even if she did got to bed, she knows she wouldn't be able to sleep.

It's always like this… always. As a kunoichi you know everything about what can happen to you – to your body – on the battlefield (or at the academy, at a friend's house, at home – everywhere), but still every time she sees a victim, every time she has to treat someone… Of course it's usually women. In all her life she has only ever met one male victim of this particular act of violence and he was a boy, only ten years old.

Tsunade-sama's experience is much greater, but even she had only ever had one comparable case.

 _That doesn't mean it never happens. Men just don't come forward as often._

 _What happened to that one man?_

 _Don't ask. You don't want to know. It's not going to happen to Gai._

* * *

 _Hatake Kakashi_

He likes coming home after a long mission, after days on the road by himself. It's that feeling of relief that seems to wait just inside the village gate. Finally, he can let his guard down a little.

First he does the things he's meant to do: he delivers his mission report to the Hokage residence where a desk nin accepts his scroll without so much as an absent-minded nod, then he goes home to drop off his luggage and take a quick shower.

It's still early evening by the time he leaves his apartment, so he contemplates his options. Six days he was gone from Konoha and whenever he spends this much time away from the village, he feels like he has to make it up to his team. He'll go there first, he decides. To say "I'm back" to Obito, Rin and sensei because they are the people that matter to him most. But after that…

Kakashi thinks he might like to go find out if Gai is back from his big mission yet.

Gradually, somehow, Gai has become part of his routine and Kakashi finds he might even go so far as to say that he may not be averse to spending the evening with his "rival". For one thing, he's hungry and with Gai there's always a good chance of being able to get a free meal out of him. Either by challenging him to an eating contest – loser pays – or a cook-off at Gai's place using whatever they find in Gai's usually well-stocked fridge.

The thought makes him smile as he sets off towards the memorial, a spring in his step.


	7. Chapter 7

_Hatake Kakashi_

Kakashi is used to solitary visits to the memorial – it's not that other people never go there; he simply goes so early or late in the day that he never meets anyone, which is what he prefers– so when he walks up the path from the training grounds, he is a little surprised to see two figures already standing in front of the stone, their backs to him.

His first instinct is to stop and wait for them to leave, but then he decides to get a little closer first, to look who it is, because they do seem familiar even from far away.

His instincts don't deceive him, a couple of steps more and he begins to sense their chakra. Genma and Ebisu.

"Hey," he says, still a few meters away, a strange nervous flutter in the pit of his stomach as he tries to piece together what's going on. If Genma and Ebisu are here, where is Gai, where is Asuma? And why are they _here_ specifically? It would have been one thing to run into them at the Hokage residence, but _here_ of all places?

They turn around simultaneously, both of them looking startled for that fracture of a second it takes even a jōnin to slip on that blank mask of neutrality. Kakashi sees them exchange a glance. He keeps walking, hands in his pockets, all casual, all cool. His stomach does a worried little flip. Something about this feels off to him; it's like everything is completely normal except the sky suddenly has the wrong color.

Genma greets him with a vague nod. "Yo, Kakashi! You just come back?"

If something truly bad had happened, Kakashi tells himself, Genma wouldn't be acting like this. His casual tone might sound a little fake, his expression might be a little too blank, but if something had happened to Gai or Asuma he wouldn't beat around the bush; it'd be the first thing out of his mouth.

So Kakashi forces himself to relax. "Yeah. What are you two up to?"

"Just got back from a mission, you know, couple hours ago." Genma shrugs. Next to him Ebisu shifts. He looks uncomfortable.

"With Gai and Asuma, right?" _What's going on?_ he wonders. The two of them are acting so stiff, they are like cardboard cutouts of themselves.

"Well, yes," says Ebisu.

"Everything go alright? Where are they?" Kakashi keeps his tone light, but inside he feels like he has swallowed a handful of razorblades. Why are they tiptoeing around like this?

"Um…" Genma's hesitation fuels his nagging worry.

Ebisu jumps in, all matter of fact. "We had to deal with some unexpected developments, but we all returned to Konoha together. Asuma should be at home."

A couple of seconds tick by and in that space of a few heartbeats, Kakashi is almost painfully aware of the absence of Gai from that sentence.

Genma glances at Ebisu, clearly waiting for him to continue, but there's no further elaboration, just the cawing of crows and the soft whisper of the breeze brushing through the leaves.

As Kakashi looks from one to the other once, twice, his eye narrowing, Genma tenses and finally lets out a sigh. "Gai's hurt, though. It's not— _too_ serious. He's at the hospital." It might be the set of his jaw or the way his eyebrows furrow, Kakashi can't put a finger on it, but there's guilt there in Genma's expression like a shadow cast out of nowhere falling across his face. And what was the miniscule pause? It's not _too_ serious? Doesn't that just mean it's serious?

Kakashi's body tenses. He feels almost as if he's pitching forward and suddenly has to brace himself for impact.

"He'll be fine," Ebisu says, his voice casual, sending out a completely different message than his former teammate.

"What happened?" Kakashi doesn't sound alarmed because he is not in fact alarmed. Gai gets hurt on a fairly regular basis. He gets hurt and then he gets better. It's what he does and Kakashi doesn't worry about him. Ever.

"He opened the seventh gate—"

"It's classified," Ebisu cuts Genma off, an apologetic look on his face.

"Yeah, classified. Right. Sorry, man. But he'll be alright."

"He is in stable condition. Tsunade-sama herself treated him and assured us that—"

"He'll make a full recovery."

 _Now they're finishing each other's sentences,_ Kakashi thinks, _this is getting absurd._

"That's… good to hear." He still doesn't know what to make of this whole situation. "Anyway, what are you doing up here?"

"We came to pay our respects to our sensei."

"It's the anniversary of her death. I mean, it was a couple of days ago, but we weren't in the village then, so…" Shrugging, Genma trails off.

"Ah, I see. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disturb you." He takes a step back, quietly offering to leave.

"No, that's okay. We were done."

"Kakashi-kun." Ebisu gives him a formal nod.

"See you around," Kakashi says.

"See ya."

With that they leave, walking past Kakashi side by side. He has to suppress the urge to turn around to look after them as they pass. Instinctively, he focuses on their chakra patterns instead, feeling them out for telltale flutters and flares. But those two are pros like him, if they do have something to hide, they will hide it; any secrets they might have will die with them.

There's nothing left for Kakashi to do but walk up to the stone, bow his head to his sensei and teammates and change his plans for the evening to a hospital visit.


	8. Chapter 8

_Shizune_

It's getting dark outside, dusk creeping into Gai's room. She's been slipping in and out the door, walking down the hallway, checking on other patients, talking to the nurses on duty, then returning. The only thing she did that didn't have anything to do with Gai was shower and change out of her uniform into a kimono after the meeting. Once that was done, once she had removed the dust and sweat from her skin and scraped the coagulated blood out from under her fingernails, she returned to the quiet corridors and antiseptic smell of Konoha's hospital.

Gai's sleep is restless; occasionally he will make a soft sound of distress, barely audible whimpers and groans, and Shizune will reach out to squeeze his hand or feel his temperature. His fever is down. She's put him on a light sedative; after that there'll be painkillers, a liquid diet for the next week at least and bed rest. So far he hasn't had a single moment of lucidity and on some shameful level she's grateful for it. She desperately wants him to be okay and she has no idea what it will be like if he wakes up and _isn't._

It's still so strange. When she closes her eyes and thinks Gai, who she sees is the boy he was when she left. Half a year she's been back, but seeing all her friends grown up has not yet ceased to feel like she has stepped into a parallel dimension. Although she herself has grown up during the years she spent travelling with Tsunade-sama, she'd never imagined Konoha changing. As if time would stand still in her home village, she'd almost expected to find everything just the way it was when she left. It was her childish wish to be able to come home again. Still, of all of them it's Gai who seemed to have changed the least.

"I'm sorry, but visiting hours ended at four o'clock." The voice drifts in from the hallway, pulling Shizune back to the present. It's Hanako, the nurse on desk duty tonight, seventeen years old and inexperienced. Shizune can hear the slight tremor of insecurity in her voice.

The reply is too low to hear, but the voice is definitely familiar.

Shizune gets up and pokes her head out the door. All she can see is Hanako-chan, standing with her back to Shizune.

"Well, sure I know, but you can't go see Maito-san today anyway."

"I understand. If you just tell me his room number now, though, I won't have to bother whoever is here tomorrow with the same question. It'd save time."

"Oh… um…right. It's—"

"Kakashi-senpai!" Hurrying down the hallway, Shizune forces a smile. _Just in time._ "Hanako, I'm taking it from here."

"Oh! Right, thank you, Shizune-senpai!" Hanako bows and scurries back to the front desk.

Kakashi cocks his head at Shizune, a vaguely curios expression quickly covering up the flash of annoyance she saw when he caught sight of her.

 _Like I'm going to let you trick one of my nurses._

In front of her Hatake Kakashi stands in all his handsome glory, but she is unimpressed. Whenever she looks at him, she still sees a shadow of that cold little boy with his quick mouth and arrogant poise. Always keeping at least an arm's length of distance between himself and others. It's almost funny how much he's changed and at the same time hasn't changed at all.

It's difficult to talk to him because she can always hear Rin-chan's voice in the back of her head, the way her friend used to say "Kakashi-kun", putting the weight of her heart into every syllable.

"Can I help you?" she asks.

"I hope so," he replies, charm turned up to eleven and she has to suppress the urge to roll her eyes, "I heard Gai was injured, so I thought I'd stop by." Hands in his pockets, he shrugs nonchalantly.

"I'm sorry, but you can't see him tonight."

"Visiting hours, hm? Can you give me his room number then? I'll come back tomorrow."

"You won't be able to see him tomorrow either."

That gives him pause; his eye narrows.

"What's going on?" There's an edge to his voice now and Shizune is surprised by the raw concern she can sense under his casual demeanor.

It makes her realize how little she knows about them now. The Kakashi she remembers used to be downright cruel to Gai sometimes. Gai had this strange obsession with his classmate – the whole village laughed at it – at him – and Kakashi? He never seemed to care.

But maybe it's different now.

"He just needs rest," she says because she doesn't know how close they are and even if they are the best of friends … She may not be an expert on male friendships, but for all she knows Kakashi might be the last person Gai would want to know. It's not hers to tell anyway, if nothing else, Gai will be the one in control of this.

"Come back in a few days," she tells him as she turns away, feeling his stare bore into her back. "He's in room 150. You can visit him then."

She knows she's given him what he needs to sneak into Gai's room tonight, but she figures if he cares enough to go that far, he'll care enough to keep Gai safe.


	9. Chapter 9

_Hatake Kakashi_

It's not like he couldn't have found Gai's room without the number, but having it definitely speeds up the process, so he's grateful to Shizune, who must have known what he would do with it when she gave it to him.

Avoiding the very few medics and nurses is easy as pie, especially since Gai's room turns out to be only a few meters from where he ran into Hanako-chan. All he has to do, really, is wait until both Shizune and the girl are out of sight and then quickly slip into the room.

He is greeted by the steady beeping of a heart monitor, the utter stillness and stagnant air of the hospital room, the faint smell of disinfectant and, finally, after a couple of steps, the sight of Gai.

Just that, Gai's form laying between starched sheets, the blanket drawn up to his chest, and suddenly the veil of worry lifts. Kakashi hadn't even been aware of it, only when he blinks and finds that he can breathe more easily does he realize that all this time, from the moment he saw Genma and Ebisu standing in front of the cenotaph, there had been this little whisper in his ears, that distant roar, _he's not coming back, he's dead, I'll never see him again._

Now he can see Gai, can see Gai's chest rising and falling, can sink into the empty chair next to Gai's bed and breathe a sigh of utter relief.

* * *

 _Sarutobi Asuma_

This is his second-favorite part: arriving at Kurenai's apartment building and seeing the light in her windows. She's home. She made it back safe and sound from her last mission with her team. For a moment Asuma can let this be all that matters, he can push everything else away and just focus on the light as he walks through the front door and up to her apartment, taking two steps at a time because he can't wait to see her.

His knock on her door is impatient, an urgent rap, palms sweaty for some reason, as if he has reverted to the twelve year old with a crush who used to punch her on the arm and hide frogs in her bag because he didn't know any better.

Thankfully, after no more than a minute there's the click of the lock and the door is pulled open, revealing Kurenai in a thin cotton robe, her hair damp from the shower. She looks beautiful, but then she always does. Her eyes widen a little, surprise and pleasure and that hint of relief every shinobi knows and craves, seeing someone you love return from a mission in one piece.

"Asuma, you're back early."

Early? Yes, he'd forgotten all about it, but since they ended up not having to evacuate anyone, their mission had been completed three days before their official return date. To him, though, those last few days had felt like a thousand years.

He nods dumbly and steps closer to her. She takes his hand and pulls him across the threshold into her apartment, into her arms.

This is his favorite part.

* * *

 _Hatake Kakashi_

There isn't really much a person can do when visiting someone unconscious in the hospital. Kakashi sits still, watching Gai for signs that he might be waking up. No such luck.

A smile had crept onto his face for some reason. He hadn't even noticed. It came with that strange feeling of calm that Kakashi wasn't even aware of until now.

 _I'm becoming one of those weird old bachelors,_ he thinks, forcing his face to relax into a neutral expression. _It's just Gai._

But it must have been a close call; and it's been a long time since Gai last had a close call.

Kakashi examines Gai's face for any sign of pain or discomfort.

There are a few bruises, a fading one on his cheekbone, the hint of a half-healed black eye. Kakashi has to fight the urge to trace it with his index finger, feel the texture of Gai's skin there. Thinking about Gai close to death makes something inside of him shrivel up like burning paper.

 _He's fine. It was nothing,_ he tells himself as he stares at Gai's unmoving form, his gaze traversing the length of Gai's body, trying to assess the damage.

Gai is hidden under the blanket, under the thin hospital gown peeking out where the blanket ends. Kakashi catches a glimpse of bandages under there, over Gai's collar bone. Gai's right arm, too, is bandaged.

Absent-mindedly, Kakashi brushes a finger across that white gauze down to Gai's wrist. Through the layers he can feel the heat of Gai's skin, the fever radiating off him. Kakashi blinks and sees blue vapor rising towards a crimson sky. He has to force himself to unclench his fists, has to will his heartbeat to slow.

 _Everything's fine. What the hell is wrong with me?_

* * *

 _Sarutobi Asuma_

"I can't," he gasps, "I'm sorry."

His whole body is burning with shame, like a furnace, like the mouth of hell. He rolls off Kurenai and blindly stumbles out of bed naked. This has never happened before. He's never been unable to—

"Asuma!" He can hear her coming after him, her soft feet on the linoleum. Raindrops falling on leaves.

He's in the bathroom, hands covering his face so he doesn't have to meet his own eyes in the mirror. He bends, splashes water on his face, stares at Kurenai's red toothbrush. The tube of toothpaste next to it reads _Shine!_ in bright green letters. It too makes him think of Gai. He feels like he's going to throw up.

* * *

 _Hatake Kakashi_

Gai makes a soft, vulnerable sound, his breath hitching. Kakashi looks at his friend's furrowed brows; he's in pain.

Kakashi thinks of calling the nurse, someone to help Gai, someone else, so _he_ doesn't have to—

So he can leave, wash his hands off the whole thing. He's not even supposed to be here after all and he hates—

He hates seeing this, Gai tossing his head as if to dodge a blow, Gai whimpering.

He's no good at this, but he finds he can't just go. His legs won't move.

Instead he reaches out, gently lays a hand on Gai's shoulder. He pets Gai awkwardly through layers of fabric – blanket and hospital gown – and murmurs, "You're going to be okay." Because he can't think of anything better to say.

Gai calms down a bit and Kakashi stays. He doesn't know how long. Until all the light has drained from the room and the stars come out, too far away and too dead to reach them. Until Gai sleeps peacefully again and Kakashi's butt starts hurting from sitting in the uncomfortable chair.

"Thanks for making it back," Kakashi says when he gets up to leave and he deliberately ignores the pounding of his heart as the thought of the alternative threatens to invade his mind.

For reasons even he himself can't quite comprehend he brushes his knuckles across Gai's damp and feverish cheek. It's a manly gesture, he thinks, one Gai would appreciate. He won't think of the tenderness. Or the fear.

"Goodnight, Gai." It was supposed to be a drawl, but it comes out as a whisper like he's telling Gai a secret he won't even tell himself.

* * *

 _Maito Gai_

Through the haze of pain and confusion, trapped in total darkness, he hears it, faintly in the distance.

 _"Goodnight, Gai."_


	10. Chapter 10

_Yūhi Kurenai_

A blanket wrapped around her naked form, she stands in front of the closed door to her bathroom, feeling helpless and weirdly amused. What a strange night…

She's never seen Asuma freaked out, not even when his father died; he's been grim, taciturn, withdrawn, but never—like this. She'd felt the softness between his legs when he lay on top of her, his hips shifting against hers with increasing franticness, his lips harder on her mouth than usual, then gone as he jumped up and stormed off so abruptly she had no time to even gasp.

Like a teenager, she thinks, remembering herself at twelve running off and slamming doors. She'd be in the bathroom and her father outside sighing and knocking and berating her. Her poor dad, he'd been so out of his depth sometimes. A widower after only a couple of years of marriage raising his headstrong daughter on his own. She still misses him.

From inside comes the sound of running water. Asuma must have turned on the faucet.

"Asuma," she says softly. She's not going to bang on the door and demand he come out; that's not who she is, that's not what she wants their relationship to be like. "I'll be in the kitchen. Please talk to me."

With that she leaves him be and goes to the kitchen where she walks to the fridge, takes out a bottle of ice tea and sits down at the table with a glass. This time around she'll wait for him for as long as it takes.

* * *

 _Hatake Kakashi_

At the end of the day he is lying on the couch, sipping the last of his instant ramen and staring blankly at the book in his hand. He flips a page, his eye skimming it character by character, line by line, but the words never seem to make it to his brain.

Instead a different story unspools inside his mind, one that consists mostly of memories replayed over and over. Nights with Gai unfolding in layers, a pattern emerging. Gai dragging him out of his apartment to the training grounds, a bar, a restaurant, the onsen…

These memories are overshadowed by another: Kakashi walking up the dirt path past the training grounds towards the forest, the moment when he got close enough to identify the two shapes obscuring the memorial as Gai's former team mates. The way his stomach dropped with icy certainty. _He's gone._

* * *

 _Yūhi Kurenai_

He's making her wait again and she's starting to think that might just be the way their relationship is fated to be. Him going off somewhere and her staying behind. And isn't that what shinobi life boils down to? Going on missions and coming back – watching your loved ones going on missions and coming back, going and coming and coming and going, until either you or the one you love leaves and never returns. A finite cycle of goodbyes and welcome backs, the last goodbye followed by nothing but silence.

She stops herself there. This isn't who she is. She isn't timid or weepy. She has long since accepted the realities of her – of their – lives.

The only thing that stings is that he isn't talking to her.

"Hey." Just as she's thinking this, there he is, standing in the doorway to her kitchen, dressed in a pair of boxers he must have fished out of her laundry basket. His face is an awkward grimace of shame and apology covering pain like a film of dust. "Sorry," he mumbles, "for…you know…That's never happened to me before."

That line almost makes her roll her eyes because it's so cliché. As if that would even matter to her, as if she can't see that something much more serious is going on. "What's wrong?" she asks, looking at his anguished face. "Asuma? What happened?"

"It's classified."

She nods, holding in the sigh. There is nothing to be done, nothing to be said. This is what their life is like. It was easier when she dated civilians, but she wouldn't trade Asuma, not for anyone. So she gets up and goes to him, to put her arms around him.

When she does, Asuma kisses the top of her head and murmurs, "You can't tell anyone, okay?"

* * *

 _Hatake Kakashi_

He wakes up on the couch, feeling cramped and sore. His book has fallen to the ground; he only notices when he swings his feet off the sofa and steps on it. Groaning, Kakashi rubs the back of his stiff neck.

 _Gai_

It's the first thought on his mind. He wants to go to the hospital and see him, almost desperately.

 _That's no good_ , he thinks and decides to go to the training grounds instead.

To clear his head.


	11. Chapter 11

_Maito Gai_

It's light outside. Bright.

He blinks.

The daylight falls across his face, blinding but sweet. He hurts. He hurts everywhere but most of all deep down inside. It's a searing rotten pain as if someone has taken a rusty drill to his intestine. Gai swallows again and again against the bile rising in his throat. There's a foul taste on his tongue he knows he mustn't contemplate. He squeezes his eyes shut and counts under his breath.

 _The trick is,_ his father says, _if you can do one, you can do two and if you can do two, you can do three!_

Gai takes another breath.

It hurts. Memories threaten to rise up out of the darkness. Hands holding him down. Pain splitting him open. His face pressed into the mud.

 _You just have to keep pushing, Gai!_

Tears threaten to well up. He's not going to cry. He swallows. He's _not_ going to cry.

 _What if I can't?_

 _You can, Gai, you just have to believe in yourself!_

Gai's breath hitches in his throat. His eyes are burning. Sunlight is setting the room ablaze.

 _I can't, Papa, I'm sorry._

The room goes blurry; Gai's hands ball into fists.

 _I can't._

* * *

 _Tsunade_

This is the moment she's been dreading. One hand on the doorknob, Tsunade takes a deep steadying breath. She's a medic; she's going to see her patient.

She pulls the door open briskly and steps inside without waiting for a reaction from the room's occupant. This is her hospital and he is her patient. That's all it is.

As soon as he sees her, Gai starts trying to sit up in bed, pushing himself up on his elbows, his eyes wide and startled. In a flash she is reminded of that girl, her red-rimmed eyes and lips pale from being pressed together.

"Don't—" There's warning in her voice and annoyance. They never listen. In two steps she's by his side, but he has already fallen back into his pillow.

"Tsunade-sama—" His voice cracks a little, almost inaudibly. She ignores it as she fumbles with the mechanism on the bed.

"Lie still," she commands.

He stares up at her with big eyes, shaking up memories within her she hasn't thought of in decades. Things she never talked about, things they don't know because she never wanted them to.

The day he was born she was there.

She knew his mother – albeit fleetingly. She held him when he was tiny. Covered in blood, he was thrust into her arms by Biwako-basan. Instinctively she'd taken a step toward his mother, that pale, plain girl, but she'd wrenched her head to the side as if flames were licking at her and gasped, "I don't want to see it! Take it away!"

Before, the girl had been to Biwako-basan to ask about abortion.

 _Who is going to love you?_ Tsunade remembers wondering. The infant in her arms had been all giant head and huge watery eyes. She was never especially good with babies, a cause for concern for her back then, keeping her up at night. _Dan will want children one day,_ she'd think, watching him fuss over his baby niece, _what if I'm not cut out to be a mother?_

Many nights she lay awake, Dan snoring softly next to her, kneading her worry like dough, hoping it would transform into something else, certainty maybe, that it would be different once she held her own baby, hers and Dan's. Of course, in the end those were wasted hours, Dan died before he could have any children and so, she realized when she cradled his body in her arms, would she.

Gai had been an unfortunate-looking baby, but he had been loved. If not by his mother, who left the village two days after giving birth and, as far as Tsunade knew, never once held her son or even looked at him, then at least by his father and no one could deny that Maito Dai's heart held enough love for two parents.

Now, though, Gai is alone. He has no living relatives in the village – his mother's whereabouts are unknown – no spouse or lover. Listed as next of kin to contact in case of emergency are his students and no one else.

"How are you feeling?" she asks while she studies him. His eyes are wet and dull; the skin beneath them looks raw, telling her that he was crying before she entered the room. He probably wiped away the tears when he heard her coming down the hallway.

"Much better, Hokage-sama!" The tremor in his voice would have given him away if his slipping smile hadn't already. "I can't wait to get back to training!"

Tsunade shakes her head; she'll be as matter of fact with him as possible. "You'll have to wait. You need to heal first."

"I don't really need to take up a hospital bed for that. I can rest at home." Defiance comes naturally to him, that she remembers. It's a different kind than his father's brand which was all smiles and thank yous. Maito Dai never flinched, no matter who was mocking him; he never balled his hands into fists, never grit his teeth. Gai must be taking after his mother.

"Sure you can, but you won't. I know you." That last part is almost a lie. Does she know him or any of them? It's been years and the Maito Gai she remembers most clearly is a baby bouncing in the carrier strapped to his father's chest. Of course he was a teenager by the time she left, but this is the image stuck in her head. Maito Dai running his laps grinning, his small son squealing in delight at every jump.

"My injuries aren't that severe. It's just the gates." He's stonewalling her, or trying to at least.

"I've seen your injuries, Gai. I treated them." His face doesn't change. She keeps watching him, but there isn't even a flicker. He's not a jōnin for nothing. "I know what happened. The report is on my desk."

His gaze flicks over to the window and stays there.

She doesn't know what she expected. More tears? A breakdown?

Maybe she knows the dead better than the living.


	12. Chapter 12

_Hatake Kakashi_

Kakashi stands in front of the target, kunai in hand, frowning. His thoughts are racing through his mind.

Gai could have been killed, but he wasn't. He could still be killed every day, just like all his friends, just like Kakashi himself. It's a fact of life, something they all live with until they inevitably die. It's no reason to be thrown off balance.

And yet Kakashi knows he is off balance and it irritates him. He's not going to lie to himself about it and pretend nothing is different. His routine has been upset, he can admit that.

Without looking he flings the kunai at the target. There's the thump of it striking, striking true he sees, dead center. He shakes his head at himself and sighs.

The fault is his own. He has allowed himself to settle into this strangely cozy mindset; he has started to take things for granted. Maybe it's the missions he's been doing – A and B-ranks of no great relevance or difficulty – maybe it's the missions Gai's been doing with his little team of still-genin – mostly Cs with the odd B-rank thrown in. Although it's only been about six months since the Third was killed in the attack during the chūnin exams, although Kakashi knows there will be more trouble – it's only a question of time – he has been lulled into this absurd feeling of calm and safety by his uneventful day to day life. And Gai. Gai has been playing a major role. Kakashi can't deny that.

 _He makes me happy._

It's weird and disturbing to spell it out like that even if it's just in the privacy of his own thoughts, sure, but not a great revelation or anything. Gai has been his friend for almost as long as Kakashi can remember. Gai can make him smile; Gai can make him feel better, Kakashi has known this for years now.

The previous night, though, that was different. When he sat in Gai's hospital room with Gai lying there helpless, inert, hurting, Kakashi felt like—

He felt exactly the way he does every time he stands in front of the cenotaph.

He already knows that his life is one of regret; it's a fact he has accepted. He will walk the path of regret, forever looking back over his shoulder at the things he couldn't keep. Only, he's not walking alone anymore, hasn't been for a while.

It's not just Gai. There's his team, too. They may have other teachers now, but they are still in his heart. He's given them his promise and that made it official.

Thinking about them… well, it brings back a certain memory of Sasuke.

Sasuke bitterly asking him what he would do if everyone he cared about was killed and his own reply.

 _They are all already dead._

 _Liar,_ he thinks to himself, all pretense of training forgotten.

* * *

 _Sarutobi Asuma_

There's always the gentle fragrance of flowers in Kurenai's bedroom. It's something Asuma has yet to get used to. His own apartment is suffused with smoke most of the time as he is usually too lazy to go outside for a cigarette. Despite his landlord's disapproval, he likes lying on the couch or the bed and watch the blue wisps of smoke rise to the ceiling. It's something he can't do when he's with his girlfriend, of course. Kurenai won't tolerate indoor smoking.

She's lying next to him, her beautiful body wrapped in a cocoon of pastel colored blankets. Asleep, she might as well be miles away.

He looks at her face, so peaceful and relaxed, her long lashes fanned out against the pale skin of her cheeks, as delicate as flower petals.

What drew her to him from the beginning: how familiar she is; how it feels like they have known each other forever and how, despite that, she still manages to surprise him every day.

Asuma sighs and reaches for her, but his hand stops inches from her skin. He doesn't want to wake her. He doesn't want to have to watch the softness of sleep drain from her features to be replaced by last night's guarded look.

 _Asuma…_ she said and he couldn't read her expression, something hard underneath the shock. Something distant.

 _I should have been faster, I should have…protected him,_ he said, honestly just because it seemed like what he was supposed to say. The words felt strange coming out of his mouth, insincere like a slight of hand, as if he was hoping to impress by deception.

The truth is that he can't see himself protecting Gai because Gai doesn't need protection. With Gai and him, with him and all the other guys it's like this: they have each other's backs; it's a give and take; it's-. He said something like that when Kurenai told him it wasn't his fault and he can still see the way her expression shifted. A tiny lift of the eyebrows, her eyes widening for a split second, then narrowing again.

 _They're different to you, kunoichi and shinobi. You don't look at us the same way._

Her voice had been cool, clinical, no accusation, no hurt. She showed him nothing, but he could feel that her perception of him had changed. Maybe just a tiny bit, but still.

Anyway, he couldn't really deny it and he respected her too much to try.


	13. Chapter 13

_Maito Gai_

"I'm going to have to look at your stitches tomorrow," Tsunade-sama says. "You'll have to be on your stomach for that. Do you think you'll be able to do that for me? I can give you a sedative if you need it."

He pictures himself on his belly, his legs spread and her probing around there. The thought alone is unbearable, unfathomable almost. How is he supposed to go through that? As soon as he thinks it, he wants to slap himself. She is a medic. What is he thinking? Why would a word like "unbearable" even enter his mind? It shouldn't be in his vocabulary.

"Of course, Hokage-sama," Gai says, wishing he could muster up a shred of indignation. He hates how small he sounds, how diminished.

"Are you sure?" Her eyes are sharp and clear; they seem capable of seeing through his skin, of turning him into something shapeless and translucent like a jellyfish.

"Of course, Hokage-sama," he repeats because it is all he can do.

"If there's anything you need...If there's anyone you want to talk to…"

She takes his hand and squeezes it and he has to do everything to keep himself from flinching. His skin feels raw and over-sensitive, even the feather weights of hospital gown and blanket feel wrong. The mattress seems to press against him from below, the dull ache in his lower body pummeling him from inside. It is all too much and Gai is painfully aware of the sweat beading on his forehead. He doesn't want anyone to see him, but he's terrified of the silence that will engulf him as soon as the Hokage leaves.

"My team?" The words scrape against his dry tongue. Where are they? He can't remember.

"They're still on a mission, but they should be back by tonight. Tomorrow morning at the latest. Do you want me to send them over as soon as they get back?"

Gai nods.

The weight of her hand is enormous to him and he has trouble meeting her too alert eyes, but he can't look away either. His own skin must be damp and hot and unpleasant in her grip, it must be like holding on to a fresh turd.

"Alright," she says, squeezing his hand again, "rest. Do you need anything to help you sleep?"

"No," he lies because the idea of being pulled into a darkness studded with dreams and memories scares him.

"Okay."

When she leaves, she closes the door so softly it makes no sound at all.

* * *

 _You're strong, Gai, and tomorrow you'll be even stronger and the day after that? Even stronger!_

He used to think of memory as a room.

It was just there.

If you wanted to, you could enter and look around for a bit. Then you could leave and shut the door.

It would still be there, but you could always just keep that door shut.

Now he knows memory is a living thing. Like an animal it will lurk in the shadows, it will wait, but if you don't come, it will hunt you down.


	14. Chapter 14

_Yūhi Kurenai_

 _You make it sound like it's worse because it happened to a man._

Did she really say that?

 _Idiot,_ she chastises herself.

Although she can feel the light on her eyelids, she doesn't want to open her eyes yet. The sound of Asuma's regular breathing is filling the room, white noise that could soothe her back to sleep.

Despite everything they went to bed together last night. There was no sex, just them, naked, each under their own blanket, side by side, not looking at each other. It was like a scene from a movie, the description in the script would read _couple_ _estranged after twenty years of marriage: they stare at the ceiling because they have nothing to say to each other anymore._

As if there was only a finite number of words you can say to another person and if you used them all up too carelessly, you ended up unable to ever speak to them again. Not because you don't love them anymore, you've just run out of words.

But usually they don't even argue. Asuma is not the type to fight. He'll go quiet and walk out on her if he's angry enough – something that has only happened once in the entire time she's known him, but he won't yell, he won't berate her, he has never said a cruel word to her and won't. She knows that.

 _So why did have to I say that to him?_

What she wants to do is squeeze her eyes shut even more tightly until she has figured out a way to go back in time and unsay what she said. What she does, though, is this: she opens her eyes and finds Asuma looking at her, his brow furrowed with contrition. She can see his sadness and it seems to pry open her own locked up feelings like one criminal breaking his accomplices out of jail.

"I'm sorry," they both say at the same time, their voices overlapping, not intertwining, but what their voices can't do their bodies can. She slips out from under her blankets and into his open arms.

"You were right. I did act like it was worse," Asuma murmurs, his breath stirring her hair. Hearing that almost makes her want to withdraw from him, She didn't want to be right. His embrace is too tight, though, he's holding on to her as if she's the last piece of driftwood in a vast ocean. "But…seeing that happen to him, it made me realize that it could happen to me. That it could happen to _you_."

 _I've always known that,_ Kurenai thinks, her sadness separate from his again as the difference between them opens up like a chasm. _I've always known that it could happen to me. We all have, don't you see that?_

* * *

 _Hatake Kakashi_

They've given him a week off, so he has nothing to do. Training is a bust; he can't really focus. At home there's housework he does with robotic efficiency and apathy. He thinks about going mountain climbing just to get away for a bit, but then an image of Gai in his hospital bed surfaces in his mind and he reconsiders.

He doesn't want to be too far away.

* * *

 _Tenten_

It's early afternoon when they arrive at the gates and Tenten feels very tempted to say I told you so. She doesn't because it wouldn't make a difference anyway. The boys don't care if they would have had enough time for a big breakfast at the inn and a lunch break and still would have come back early. All they care about is proving once again that Team Gai – with or without their sensei – is Konoha's fastest squad.

"I'm sure there are Anbu who are faster than us," Tenten said once, which only made Lee frown for one second, then his face was lit up by that very same slightly manic glow Tenten had grown to fear. "But that's great," he exclaimed, "that means we have room to improve!"

 _Ugh._

"Let's just go to the mission desk and get rid of these gross things, okay?" Tenten grumbles. Her legs hurt, her arms hurt and, guess what, her head hurts too. After three days in the Forest of Death collecting the stinky mushrooms ruining her backpack right this moment, all she wants is to go home, take a long bath and crawl into bed.

"Do you think Gai-sensei is back from his mission yet?" Lee asks, sounding way too energetic for someone who spent days in the forest gathering mushrooms while fighting off giant flesh-eating insects.

"It's possible," Neji replies, his voice a shrug.

 _I don't care,_ thinks Tenten. She wouldn't dream of saying it aloud, though, because it would be the worst kind of sacrilege to Lee and she's not in the mood for a fight. So she just sighs and walks down the road in silence while next to her Lee is quietly radiating hope and expectation, his very own small sun.


	15. Chapter 15

_Hyūga Neji_

Neji is exhausted, bone-tired, barely able to walk. He'd never admit it, of course - because it would only result in Lee telling him he has to train harder and Tenten smugly lecturing him she told them they should have taken a break earlier but oh no, they had to be stubborn about it.

It never ends with those two.

So he keeps walking, side by side with them, never falling behind.

Luckily the Hokage residence isn't far from the gate; it's only a couple of minutes and the trip is blessfully quiet with Tenten no doubt silently cursing them for making her hurry back to the village when they had more than enough time left and Lee already planning his next marathon training session with Gai-sensei.

Neji for his part is thinking about his futon and his quiet room back at the Hyūga compound, where he will first do a few kata then take a quick shower and hopefully get rid of the stink of days spent in the forest of death before finally slipping under his blanket and going to sleep.

He can't remember the last time he was looking forward to something this much.

They enter the residence in single file. Lee steps through the door first then stands awkwardly behind it to hold it open for his teammates.

The mission desk is manned by a lanky chūnin who is reclining in his chair with arms folded behind his head as if he's at the beach trying to get a tan. His eyes are closed and remain that way until Lee politely clears his throat.

"Excuse me," Lee says. At the same time Tenten tosses her backpack at the guy's head. Neji has to suppress a smile.

"Hey!" she yells as the chūnin fumbles to catch the thing."Don't sleep on the job!"

"Ahhh, no, I can't take this. Just hand in your mission scroll…This stuff's supposed to go to-" He holds the backpack away from his body, out to Tenten, who merely shakes her head."Nope, we're done."

Shrugging, Neji puts the mission scroll and his backpack on the desk.

"I apologize." Lee bows and then sets his backpack down next to Neji's.

The desk nin's eyes widen as realization hits: he might actually have to get up and take the delivery wherever it's supposed to go. This does not seem to please him and so he starts to get up, presumably to keep them from leaving without their backpacks."Oi, you guys…"

"Bye!" Tenten calls over her shoulder. They're out the door before the guy even gets out from behind his desk.

"Can you believe that guy? How come he's a chūnin and we're still genin? That's just embarrassing…" Tenten says when they're on the street again.

"We definitely have to work harder!"

It's Lee's standard reply for everything so Neji doesn't even bother to answer. Tenten sighs and for a few seconds there's only the sound of gravel crunching under their sandals.

"Hey! Wait a minute!" Behind them the door practically flies open, spitting out the chūnin. He's waving his hands around, standing by the open door, too lazy to actually run after them.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Tenten spins around. She's never more short-tempered than when she's hungry or tired, Neji knows that, but this poor guy doesn't. "We've just come back from the Forest of Death, okay? And you're telling me you can't even move your butt out of your chair for the two minutes it takes to bring those disgusting things-"

"No, that's not it," the guy interrupts her. He's wipes the sweat from his brow. "You're Maito Gai-san's students, right?"

This can't be good. Instantly, Neji's shoulders tense. People usually don't ask this kind of question, or at least not like this, not with their face twisting into an apologetic grimace.

"Yeah…" Tenten says, the wind completely out of her sails now.

"I'm supposed to tell you that Gai-san's at the hospital. Um , so you should go there, I guess."

"What?! Gai-sensei is hurt?! What happened?! How is he?! Why didn't you tell us earlier?!"

Neji steps in before Lee can grab the desk nin and shake him by the shoulders.

"Calm down," he tells his teammate although deep down he knows he himself isn't as calm as he should be. "We'll go to the hospital; they'll be able to tell us what happened." It's the smartest thing they can do right now; it's what they're supposed to do.

Neji isn't worried he tells himself, even the sudden pallor of Tenten's face and Lee's clenched fists don't worry him.

Gai-sensei is too ridiculous to really get hurt.


	16. Chapter 16

_Rock Lee_

At first he can't believe his ears, then the questions start pouring from his mouth. He takes a couple of steps toward the chūnin, but Neji stops him, putting a hand on Lee's chest over his thundering heart. Neji must feel them, he thinks abstractly, those rib-shattering beats.

"Calm down. We'll go the hospital; they'll be able to tell us what happened."

Right. Of course. Neji is right.

Then… The hospital!

There is nothing else Lee needs, just a goal, a target, give him something he can strive to reach and that's what he'll do. So he whips around and starts running.

Lee takes to the rooftops because it's the fastest way to get where he wants to go, up the walls and over the shingles, leaping from house to house. Neji's and Tenten's voices ring out behind him, simultaneously, "Lee!" and "Wait!". He won't listen today; they'll catch up, they always do eventually.

As he runs all he can think about is Gai-sensei hurt. It's a mind numbing thought, something he can't quite comprehend because he's never seen it before. _It must have been an incredible foe,_ he thinks, biting his lip as the wind rushes past. He can't imagine what kind of person could injure Gai-sensei. A monster maybe.

It doesn't matter. What matters is that Gai-sensei is here now and that he needs Lee.

* * *

When he was in the hospital less than a year ago, Gai-sensei was there for him every day. And every night.

The moment Lee pushes open the glass double doors with too much force, a memory flashes through his mind. Waking up and turning his head to see Gai-sensei asleep in a chair next to his bed. The weight of Gai-sensei's hand on his. It was the first time he felt like his life meant something to someone. Like he was loved. One of his most precious memories.

Precious memories – a concept he only understood after the formation of Team Gai.

Swallowing thickly, against the flood of emotion threatening to overwhelm him, Lee runs to the male nurse at the desk. The young man, not much older than Lee himself, jumps up, ready for an emergency.

"Can you tell me where Maito Gai's room is? _Please?"_ He knows he sounds desperate, but that's only fitting because he _is_ desperate and saying the name Maito Gai instead of Gai-sensei feels so strange, like he is talking about someone else, someone who doesn't even know him.

"Lee-kun?" The male nurse does a double-take and at the sound of his name Lee stops looking around frantically for a sign of his sensei and for the first time really sees the young man in front of him. They know each other, he realizes, from the time when he was hospitalized after the chūnin exams. In fact, Lee has an embarrassing memory tied to the other boy, whose name, he now remembers, is Go.

At the hospital back then on one of the mornings Lee woke up to Gai-sensei asleep in the chair next to his bed, Go-san walked in and said, "Your dad was here all night; he's really worried about you, so you'll just have to hurry up and get better!" Go-san smiled while he said it and Lee blushed and didn't correct him. His heart beating loudly in his chest, he felt as though he was a thief slipping an invaluable gem into his pocket. The truth was that he wanted to keep those few moments locked in his heart, even though he knew they weren't his. Sometime between then and Lee's release, Go-san found out the truth, but he never said anything about it for which Lee was endlessly grateful. Pretending he really could be Gai-sensei's son, that someone that wonderful could be his father, that this amazing man could love him like that... He'd been happier than he'd ever been before.

Go-san is smiling at him now, he realizes, genuine pleasure shining in his eyes. "You really have made a complete recovery. I'm glad!"

"Please? Gai-sensei's room?" Lee repeats. He knows he's being rude to someone who has shown him nothing but kindness, but he can't. He can't focus on anything but his sensei.

"Of course." Go-san flips open the folder on his desk, his right index finger sliding down each new page until it suddenly stops near the bottom of the third one. "Maito Gai… Ah, it says no vis—Wait, you can go in. Room 150, it's right down the hallway on the left."

"Thank you very much!" Lee starts running again, just as he hears Tenten and Neji come through the entrance. "Room 150!" he calls over his shoulder without slowing down.

"This is a hospital…" Go-san's weak protests are as lost on Lee as Tenten's tired sigh.


	17. Chapter 17

_Tenten_

The air in Konoha's hospital has always felt more stuffy and oppressive to Tenten than anywhere else. Maybe it's because she has spent too much time in this place already. Not too long ago she sat by her teammates' bed sides, first Lee almost half of his body crushed after his chūnin exam fight , then Neji who'd been brought back to the village with a _hole_ in his _chest_ … and even before that, when her mother was—

No use dwelling on it.

But whenever she steps through those double doors, she automatically braces herself for the worst.

"Room 150," Lee yells at them and with that he's gone again, down the hallway in a green blur. Tenten sighs, forcing herself to ignore the nausea washing over her. Hospital smells seem to engulf them like poison gas and she hates it, hates the flutter in her chest, too. Gai-sensei is strong and stubborn and exhausting, she tells herself. He'll be fine. She's never seen anyone recover as quickly as he does.

 _I'm probably in worse shape than he is right now,_ she thinks. Trying to keep up with Lee was definitely too much. Neji, too, is breathing heavily next to her.

"Let's just go, Tenten," he says and lightly touches her arm as though she might need reminding of his existence.

"Okay," she says. Her knees are wobbly like the ground is shifting beneath her.

* * *

 _Maito Gai_

He is fighting before he is fully awake, punching at whoever is trying to hold him down, struggling against the confines around his legs. It's happening again. The certainty is burrowing into him like a living creature, like a giant worm eating his insides. It's happening again and it will always keep happening. Again and again. He'll never be safe.

"No!" The desperation in his voice freezes the blood in his veins. Gasping, he opens his eyes. When did he become so weak?

"Gai-sensei!" A cacophony of three voices, all shouting the same thing. One of them is breathless, unusually hoarse, the other two higher pitched than normal, with shock, he realizes as his eyes snap open and he sees Neji and Tenten rushing towards him.

"I'm sorry…" Lee isn't with them. He's on the floor next to Gai's bed. "I didn't mean to wake you up, sensei! Please forgive me!" Watching the boy scramble to his feet, Gai feels his panic yield to mortification. He's punched his beloved student, who approached him with nothing but tender concern in his heart! It's unforgivable!

"Don't apologize, Lee! I'm the one who has to beg for forgiveness! You were worried about me and I—I hurt you!"

"No, Gai-sensei! I should have known better! After all, you are an amazing taijutsu master, of course your reflexes would be splendid, even in sleep!"

Lee's words, his beautiful, shining eyes, as usual, they touch Gai deeply. For a moment it feels like the world is back in balance, like things might be alright.

"Lee!" he exclaims, opening his arms in invitation.

"Gai-sensei!" With that Lee leaps at him and it is awkward at first. Gai is only half sitting up in bed, the transparent tube of his IV is between them and Lee's hands on his back press down on Gai's bruises, but he doesn't care as long as he can hold his student.

"Okay, I guess we can all relax now. Obviously, he's going to be okay…" sighs Tenten. He knows she wants to sound exasperated, but Gai can hear the relief in her voice, a bright glimmer like the first light of day. If he hadn't been crying already, he would have started now.

"Hn." Neji is being his usual standoffish self and Gai won't have that. He lets go of Lee with one arm and with his free hand snags Neji's wide sleeve to pull him in.

"Oi! What-" Neji's exclamation is smothered against Gai's chest. Tenten is next; she knows what's coming and she knows better than to try to escape.

"Sensei!" she protests, but somehow manages to fit herself quite neatly between her teammates.

Gai mourns the fact that his arms aren't long enough to really hug all three of them anymore, but still, maybe here and now, maybe in this moment, he can revel in their warmth and just be.

* * *

 _The Anbu Captain_

It's six o'clock in the evening when he gets home – early, some might say, but not when considering that he left his house two days ago. Even mere training sessions held in Konoha are grueling; Anbu members don't get breaks.

He's tired, dirty and stinky and exhaustion has eroded his alertness down to a fraction. It's hard just to walk upright. He has to support himself with one hand against the wall.

Later he'll tell himself that this is why he didn't realize someone else was in his apartment. Because he was too tired. Not because the man casually lounging on his couch, his feet on his table, is (still) the superior shinobi.


	18. Chapter 18

_The Anbu Captain_

"Kakashi-senpai!" He stumbles to a halt and has to hold on to the doorframe in order to not keel over from the mixture of surprise and exhaustion.

Senpai shoots him his usual smile that never reveals itself beyond the way his skin crinkles around his closed eye. As far as expressions go it could almost be anything, but this time it is accompanied by a lethargic wave of the hand that he takes as his former captain's version of a warm greeting.

"Yo, Tenzō! Welcome home." Kakashi leans forward and picks up the open bottle of beer on the couch table by its perspiring neck. "Want some? There's a couple more bottles in the fridge."

"I know, senpai. I'm the one who put them there." He can't help the feeling of warmth spreading in his chest any more than he can stop himself from walking over and letting himself fall on the couch next to Kakashi. Their thighs brush when he puts his feet on the table. "After I bought them. With my money."

"Is that so…?" Undeterred, Kakashi lifts the bottle to his lips, whose outline Tenzō can barely see through the mask. Before the bottle touches the fabric, Tenzō snatches it away and takes a long drink, canting his head back and letting the beer flow down his parched throat. It gives him the double satisfaction of quenching his thirst and getting to ignore Kakashi's "Oi!" of protest.

However, there's a mischievous spark in Kakashi's eye when Tenzō sets the empty bottle down again.

"Indirect kiss," he says and this time Tenzō knows exactly what kind of expression his senpai's mask is hiding. A smirk that probably only widens as he feels himself blush, warmth rising to his cheeks. Kakashi's mock-flirtatious tone always gets him.

"You're wearing a mask, senpai," Tenzō points out to defend himself from the suggestive look Kakashi is giving him.

"But was I wearing it before you got here?" he asks, raising his eyebrow. "Or did I only pull it back up when I heard you come in?"

Indirect kiss? It's a childish concept kids at the academy giggle about, Tenzō tells himself. He's a grown man and Kakashi is teasing him and it's _working._

"Senpai," he says in his most exasperated voice, rolling his eyes and shaking his head, but Kakashi merely chuckles again.

"I guess you'll just never know, Tenzō-kun."

* * *

 _Tenten_

Gai-sensei is _tired,_ which is something Tenten doesn't think she's ever seen before. At least not like this. His pallor and the circles under his eyes, the parchment-like, bloodless lips he keeps pressing together as if biting back pain when he thinks no one is watching. The sheen of sweat on his forehead and the way his fingers worry at the blanket restlessly, nervously. It makes her uncomfortable to look at him, makes her feel like she should grab the boys and leave so their sensei can get some rest.

But Lee is too busy bombarding Gai-sensei with questions – and even if he wasn't, he was never any good at picking up on the atmosphere in a room. Anyway, it's a constant onslaught of "What can we do?" "Do you need anything, sensei?" "Should we get you something from your apartment?" "I saw a vending machine outside; would you like me to buy you something?" "Are you hungry?" "Are you thirsty?" "Are you too hot?" "Are you cold?"

Tenten is sure that if Gai-sensei said one word, Lee would run to the end of the world to fulfill their teacher's every wish, Gai-sensei, however, barely says anything. He looks troubled, she thinks. His laughter sounds tinny and fake and most of all weak.

His replies are shorter than usual; there is no hour long explanation detailing the highs and lows of his mission complete with voice impersonations of his squad, all he has to say when Neji asks him what happened is that they were attacked unexpectedly and he had to open the seventh gate. The details, he tells them sheepishly, are classified, but what it all boils down to is that he overdid it "a little bit". He'll be fine in no time! That's a promise!

Tenten doesn't quite buy it, but then she's never been one for Gai-sensei's borderline aggressive brand of optimism and she's too tired herself to muster up any enthusiasm. Maybe, she thinks, considering her current aches and pains and the noxious smell of those horrible mushrooms that still clings to her skin and clothes, maybe it's really not that bad and she's just projecting her own misery on her sensei.

* * *

They almost decide leave when Gai-sensei falls asleep in the middle of Lee's retelling of their mission in the Forest of Death. For a moment Lee is completely stricken with shock. Nothing like this has ever happened before, it's unthinkable! Gai-sensei and Lee usually hang on each other's every word.

Seeing that Gai-sensei's eyes have fallen shut, Lee gasps, his own eyes instantly growing moist with unshed tears. "Gai-sensei fell asleep! I overexerted him! Why didn't you stop me?" he whisper-wails at Tenten and Neji before turning back to his sensei. "I'm so sorry, Gai-sensei, please forgive me!"

Tenten can smell the impending self-imposed rule. It'll probably be something even more insane than usual because what Lee has just committed what to him must be his greatest failure yet. So she quickly grabs his arm and pulls him away from the bed.

"Come on, Lee! It's not your fault. Sensei's just tired. Plus, they probably gave him some meds that made him sleepy." With some effort she manages to drag him a couple of steps towards the door. "We should let him rest for now."

Neji nods, but Lee digs his heels into the floor, shaking his head violently.

"No, Tenten, I will stay! When I was injured, Gai-sensei watched over me day and night! How could I leave him now?"

Exasperated, Tenten pulls harder on Lee's arm. Naturally, it's like trying to move Hokage Mountain. "That was because that sand creep was trying to murder you in your sleep! This is different! Gai-sensei is going to be fine!" Even as she says it she catches herself thinking, _Though he's definitely not fine now…_

"Stop making such a ruckus, Lee. You'll only wake him up," Neji says but other than that makes no move to help Tenten.

"I- I can't go. Gai-sensei is hurt…" Lee's voice sounds dangerously close to breaking. It makes Tenten look past him at the bed where her teacher is sleeping restlessly, frowning, his hands clawing at the sheets.

"He'd never leave one of us like this," Lee says.

No, Gai-sensei wouldn't. He'd be there all night and then, in the morning you'd wake up to his cheesy grin and some ridiculous line about a smile being the best medicine. Tenten's grip falters.

An irrational anger expands in her chest. Suddenly, she wants to walk over to the bed, grab Gai-sensei by the shoulders and shake him. _Pull yourself together,_ she wants to yell. _We shouldn't have to see you like this! You're Gai-sensei, you're supposed to be annoying, loud, embarrassing and downright weird. You're supposed to be—_

 _-indestructible._

She swallows against the tightness in her throat.

"Tenten?" To avoid Neji's searching gaze she turns to the door. It's no good anyway; Neji's just too damn perceptive sometimes and she can feel his eyes boring into her back.

She folds her arms across her chest and doesn't turn around. "Fine, but you go talk to the nurses, Lee, and you better get us a bed, too, because there's no way I'm sleeping in a chair."


	19. Chapter 19

_Hatake Kakashi_

The path up to the memorial is winding. Branches snag at his face, his shoulders, his hair. He has to duck under a low-hanging arm, a gnarled, twisted thing and his chest tightens with dread. The sky above is dark and ominous. Something flickers in the distance, reminding him of the fires that night, the stench of smoke and ashes that wouldn't leave his clothes no matter how often he washed them.

But tonight is not that night and he is just doing what he always does: paying a quick visit to Sensei and Obito and Rin, whose names are on the stone, their ashes buried in the dense Konoha earth. Rin's and Sensei's, that is, and there are nights when Kakashi can't close his eyes for fear of seeing crows pick at Obito's bones.

The forest opens up around the memorial, suddenly, like a parting veil, and he finds himself facing not the stone, but two men, their backs obscuring his view.

They are too busy to notice him. One of them is crouching, the other seems to be holding something and from between them erupts the rhythmic clang of a hammer striking metal striking stone. The sound reverberates through Kakashi and shakes loose a nameless horror, the cold certainty of death.

He has to stop them.

The crouching man lifts his hammer. The other one shifts and Kakashi can see. He can see what they are doing. What they're writing. The kana stand out sharply in the faint moonlight, their freshly cut edges like razorblades. Ma-i-to-ga and the chisel's point placed expectantly on the surface of the stone.

"No, don't!" Kakashi leaps forward, his arm outstretched, reaching for the man's wrist.

"What are you doing?" The other one, Ebisu, glares at him over the top of his dark glasses.

"Let go of me, Kakashi. I've got to do this. You know that," says Genma without turning around. His wrist is icy under Kakashi's fingers. No pulse under his pale skin. "You're too late. You didn't save him. You let him die."

His breath cuts into his lungsthe same way the realization cuts into his heart. It's true. Gai is dead. He's gone. Forever.

 _"No!"_

* * *

It takes a few seconds for his eye to adjust to the darkness around him. When it does, the shadows slowly morph into the familiar shapes of Tenzō's living-room. Kakashi is panting, sitting up on Tenzō's couch, a blanket wrapped around his legs, half kicked-off.

"Senpai!" Tenzō appears in the doorway, almost as breathless as Kakashi, and then the light is clicked on, blinding them both for a few seconds.

By the time Kakashi has gotten his bearings, Tenzō is by his side, lightly touching his shoulder. "What's wrong?" he asks. "You were screaming."

"It's nothing. I'm fine." He looks past Tenzō's striped pajama at the dark rectangle of the window.

"Did you have a nightmare?" Yes, there's a hint of amusement in Tenzō's voice. He might feel like this is some kind of divine retribution for Kakashi's earlier behavior.

Kakashi shakes his head. "I'm fine," he repeats, the lie perfectly obvious but a million times easier to speak than the truth. Then, as the impulse hits him, he straightens up and swings his legs off the couch. "I should go."

"It's two in the morning," Tenzō points out, frowning. Actual concern is in his voice now.

 _Always a softie_ , _my little kohai,_ Kakashi thinks fondly.

"I have to go," is what he says, though, and there isn't much warmth in the words. The dream has drained it from his body, leaving nothing but ice in his veins.

"After breaking into my apartment, drinking all my beer and falling asleep on my couch suddenly you have to go?"

"Yeah, sorry, Tenzō."

"Where do you have to be at two in the morning?"

Kakashi slides his hand through his hair, brushing errant strands out of his eye. This is so like Tenzō. To switch from being annoyed to being worried in less than two seconds. Kakashi looks down, at the blanket that has fallen to the floor. He has no idea where it came from, which means that Tenzō must have draped it over him while he was sleeping.

"I have to break in somewhere else now," he says and gets up. Under his mask his lips quirk into the briefest of smiles.

Tenzō sighs, but steps aside. "I'm going back to bed. Do what you want." It sounds exasperated, mostly. For whatn it's worth, Kakashi can't detect actual hurt in his kohai's voice, which is a relief.

"Thanks." With that he leaves the way he came, through the window. He slips into the night and doesn't hesitate to turn his back on the way to his apartment and head for the hospital instead.


	20. Chapter 20

_Hyūga Neji_

He knows it's a meaningless gesture by this point, but he's still staying. It's silly, he knows that too, but that's what being a part of Team Gai is most of the time. So Neji keeps quiet when Lee pleads with Shizune-san who frowns and folds her arms across her chest but ultimately allows them to spend the night under the condition that they'll be gone by the time Tsunade-sama shows up to do her rounds.

Tenten gets her bed. Lee pushes it into the room for her – there's barely enough space and they end up having to push Gai-sensei's a little closer to the wall which makes Lee break into cold sweat. Neji has no doubt that if their teacher had woken up, Lee would have committed seppuku then and there.

Finally, Tenten curls up on the bed, making herself small enough to leave room for Neji and instantly falls asleep. Neji sighs, unsure what to do next. Lee has retaken his seat in the chair now wedged between Gai-sensei's bed and the wall. He's holding Gai-sensei's hand like a lifeline; you couldn't pry him away with a crowbar. They've switched off the light; the room is dark and all Neji wants to do is sleep.

So he sits down on the bed. Behind him Tenten makes a small sound in her sleep and shifts. She is facing Gai-sensei's bed, he rolls over to face the door. The room is filled with the sounds of his team mates' breathing. Neji closes his eyes and lets their presence wash over him.

It might be silly, but for the moment it feels to him like he is exactly where he is supposed to be.

* * *

When Neji wakes up he isn't sure how much time has passed or why he is even awake. At first he thinks Tenten might have kicked him in her sleep – it wouldn't have been the first time – but then he hears something.

A soft scraping sound followed by a click.

Someone is at the window.

He lies very still, focusing his chakra. Activating the Byakugan while trying to suppress the chakra pulse is difficult, but Neji has been training relentlessly the past six months. He's going to make chūnin soon; there's no way he'll fail the next exams.

Maybe should pinch Tenten to wake her up, but a startled yelp from her would definitely give them away. For now he'll lie low and assess the situation.

His Byakugan reveals Lee who is slumped over in his chair, fast asleep, his head resting on Gai-sensei's chest and Gai-sensei doesn't seem to have moved at all since they decided to stay.

Neji looks past them. There's movement at the window; it swings open silently and someone climbs in. He stiffens, then relaxes abruptly when he recognizes the chakra pattern. Hatake Kakashi. There's no doubt. It's the Copy ninja.

 _What's he doing here?_

Neji isn't sure how late it is, but he knows that by the time he switched off the light it was around ten pm. He fell asleep soon after and he figures that a couple of hours must have passed since then. So it must be around midnight, probably even later than that. Definitely too late for a hospital visit.

Hatake Kakashi, though, is a fairly strange man. A jōnin of legendary skill and supposedly a genius, Neji still knows him best as Gai-sensei's so-called eternal rival. Of course, that ridiculous title is Gai-sensei's creation, but Neji has seen the famous Copy Ninja engage in Gai-sensei's often pretty stupid challenges. He might do it reluctantly, he might roll his eyes and sigh and shrug and pretend he doesn't listen, but the point is he never walks away.

Neji didn't understand it at first, but now that he's been Gai-sensei's student and Lee's team mate for two years, he feels like he is starting to get it. Gai-sensei is a good person. It's as simple as that. Under all the weirdness, the terrible hair cut, the strange mannerisms, the insane obsession with spandex and youth, Gai-sensei is a caring, loyal friend, not to mention an incredibly strong shinobi.

If Hatake Kakashi has known Gai-sensei even half as long as Gai-sensei claims, he should know this better than anyone.

Still, it's the middle of the night. If Kakashi-sensei is here to show his concern for his friend, he could have waited till morning. Gai-sensei isn't going anywhere.

Keeping his face turned to the door, his back to Kakashi, Neji uses the Byakugan to watch quietly as the jōnin sneaks to Gai-sensei's bedside. Kakashi-sensei moves without making a sound. Careful not to disturb Lee, he leans forward a little and reaches out.

For a strange couple of seconds Kakashi-sensei's hand rests on Gai-sensei's shoulder. Neji can see his thumb brush over Gai-sensei's collarbone. Then Kakashi bends a little lower, until his face is close enough to Gai-sensei's cheek to touch. It looks like he is whispering something to Gai-sensei, but Neji can't make out the movement of his lips. His heart is pounding, his stomach queasy. He has no idea what he is seeing. Then Kakashi straightens up and leaves the way he came.

Team Gai is alone again in the darkness, the quiet interrupted only by Tenten's and Lee's soft snores.

No more than a few minutes later, Neji isn't sure if he saw anything at all.


	21. Chapter 21

_Hatake Kakashi_

He didn't expect the kids to be there, but in hindsight it seems obvious. Gai has raised them well, with a strong sense of loyalty, Kakashi thinks; maybe he has even done a better job than Kakashi has with his team. It's painful to think about team seven these days, although he tells himself that they will be fine. In the long run, he won't let them down.

He is relieved now. In the darkness of his hospital room Gai looked a lot better than the previous night. His sleep was calm and deep, no nightmares seemed to be troubling him.

When he woke up on Tenzō's couch, Kakashi felt as if he was wrapped in a straightjacket of pure terror. The dream had wracked his nerves and left him convinced that Gai was actually dead. He couldn't stay with his kohai; he had to go to the hospital. His heart pounding wildly the whole way, he ran as though a whole squad of hunter nin was chasing him and didn't stop until he was by Gai's side.

Now that he's back home, in his own bed, still unable to sleep, Kakashi does feel a little foolish. He's staring at the ceiling, turning over the night's events in his mind. Gai is going to be fine. That's the long and short of it. He's scratched and bruised and has a fever, but that's all. Kakashi has seen a lot worse. It's certainly nothing to lose his head over.

He sighs and folds his arms behind his head. His bedroom is quiet, cool, familiar. The only sound is the steady ticking of his alarm clock.

Lately, when he thinks about Gai, he starts thinking about the future. He starts wondering if there will be a time when he won't have to worry about shadowy organizations being after one of his students, about his other student going AWOL and the possibility of impending war.

Well, at least that last one will probably never go away.

Then there are missions and death. There's always death.

The odds that he will have to live through Gai's death are pretty high. Kakashi has thought about this more often and more deeply than he would like to admit. The only way he won't have to deal with Gai's death is if he dies first. One of those unpleasant facts of life.

His father's death almost destroyed him. He was seven years old and he swore he'd never feel anything again. Then there were Obito and Rin, but the truth is that he only truly loved them in hindsight. Minato-sensei was hard, almost as if a part of himself had been ripped away, leaving a gaping, bleeding hole that even now wasn't fully healed.

Kakashi cares about Tenzō, he cares about his students, he cares about the other jōnin, the people he grew up with and he cares about Gai. He can admit that now; he's not that boy anymore.

Allowing that thought makes him remember the feel of Gai's skin, so soft that Kakashi had to brush his thumb across the reassuring solidness of Gai's collarbone. Instinctively, he leaned closer to catch a whiff of Gai's scent, but it was covered by the antiseptic smell of the hospital.

Kakashi's not someone who wears his heart on his sleeve, quite the opposite, really, but he'll go talk to Gai in the morning.

* * *

 _Maito Gai_

Morning comes too quickly. He wakes up with a start and feels the jolt that goes through the weight on his chest. One blink and there is Lee, sitting upright and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"Sensei! Good morning! How are you feeling? Do you need anything?"

Lee's concern warms Gai's heart even as he yearns for sleep, to be dead to the world, so he doesn't have to feel, to remember.

"Too loud," comes a disgruntled groan from the bed next to his. Was there another bed on his room when he went to sleep? Gai frowns, wondering. In the other bed the sheets shift to reveal Tenten's scrunched-up face. She sends an unfocused glare in Lee's general direction and asks, "What time is it?"

At the foot of the bed a blanket stirs, and there is Neji, sitting up and smoothing his hair. He looks less tired than Tenten, who is trying in vain to get her tangled hair back into her usual neat buns, but nowhere near as energetic as Lee, who is already on his feet.

Looking from one of his students to the next, Gai has to really fight down the tears blurring his gaze. They stayed by his side all night! He can't believe it! Such love and care; it's more than he deserves.

"You guys…" he mumbles, overcome with emotions, "You didn't have to do this…"

"We can't stay," Neji says calmly, even as Lee falls into Gai's arms for a rib-crushing embrace, "we had to promise Shizune-san we'd be gone before the Hokage gets here."

Tenten nods. "We just didn't want to leave you here all alone last night."

Her tone is strange, Gai thinks, he can't read the emotions in her voice at all and she's looking away from him, avoiding his eyes.

Shame rushes into him. Gently, he pushes Lee away and clears his throat. Tsunade-sama's words come back to him. She'll want to look at his stitches today. He'll be on his stomach—

"We can just wait outside for a bit, Gai-sensei! Then—"

"No, Lee!" The boy's startled, wide eyes tell him that he sounded too harsh, his voice hoarse with the panic turning his stomach. Gai swallows and forces a weak smile. "It's no good to spend all day at the hospital! You're in the Springtime of your Youth! Don't waste it! I want you to train today! You can come back tomorrow! Stronger than today!"

"Of course, Gai-sensei!" shouts Lee while Neji sighs and Tenten groans.

* * *

Gai deflates the moment they're out the door. His hands are shaking and, angry at his own weakness, he clenches them into fists.

He doesn't want anyone to see him.


End file.
